雙餘館雙週年

柏魚娘送的花

忽忽兩年了，這虛擬的窩成了我的第二個會客室，對它我有著很複雜的感受...

因為有這個不會被退稿的空間，得以在此暢所欲言；也因為有了讀者的留言反應，愈寫也就愈有成就感，從這過程中得到不少樂趣。兩年下來，來客洗牌了好幾次，有莫名消失的、有斷斷續續來走踏的、有偶而路過的、當然也有姐妹淘忠實館友，生性比較內向害羞的我，在這裡以圖文會友，拓展了交遊圈。

不只如此，為了裝點這個窩的門面，我還學了一些新把戲。曾經認真的學了一點CSS文法。（雖然後來進化到只改banner之後，就發懶以不變應萬變。）又為了使記錄的事件更具說明性，隨身帶著的相機不時拿出來獵取種種鏡頭，修圖上傳等等技術現在熟練至極，這是以前號稱電腦白痴的我不能想像的境界。

一方面很高興在這裡和許多朋友互動，認識了精采的人，旁觀了別人的有趣生活；同時也責怪著自己，在實際的生活環境中依舊笨拙被動。 另一方面，由於希望這個空間不與工作上的人事有任何重疊，不得不在許多細節上力求隱晦。

日前在展覽中看了蘇軾親筆寫就的＜赤壁賦＞後記，覺得東坡先生好像寫出了我矛盾的心聲：

軾去歲作此賦，未嘗輕出以示人，見者蓋一，二人而已。欽之有使至，求近文，遂親書以寄。多難畏事，欽之愛我，必深藏之不出也。又有後赤壁賦，筆倦未能寫，當俟後信，軾白。

正因為「多難畏事」，所以才會有「深藏不出」的顧忌。

前一陣子讀了Orhan Pamuk的諾貝爾受獎演說，很受感動，我寫作部落格對「多難」的體會也差堪比擬。

Now, so many years later, I know that this discontent is the basic trait that turns a person into a writer. To become a writer, patience and toil are not enough: we must first feel compelled to escape crowds, company, the stuff of ordinary, everyday life, and shut ourselves up in a room. We wish for patience and hope so that we can create a deep world in our writing. ....

For me, to be a writer is to acknowledge the secret wounds that we carry inside us, the wounds so secret that we ourselves are barely aware of them, and to patiently explore them, know them, illuminate them, to own these pains and wounds, and to make them a conscious part of our spirits and our writing.....

When a writer shuts himself up in a room for years on end to hone his craft – to create a world – if he uses his secret wounds as his starting point, he is, whether he knows it or not, putting a great faith in humanity....

 I know from experience that the great majority of people on this earth live with these same feelings, and that many suffer from an even deeper sense of insufficiency, lack of security and sense of degradation, than I do....What literature needs most to tell and investigate today are humanity's basic fears: the fear of being left outside, and the fear of counting for nothing, and the feelings of worthlessness that come with such fears; the collective humiliations, vulnerabilities, slights, grievances, sensitivities, and imagined insults, and the nationalist boasts and inflations that are their next of kind ...

不是有句話說「文窮而後工」嗎？回顧自己寫的東西，每每在遭逢艱難酸苦之際，也就是我網誌產量增加、所寫出來的內容也較能引起共鳴的時機。生活迍邅的淬煉是我將內在困境昇華成文字的動力。　

雖然沒有特別安排，但是今天的活動剛好都和部落格朋友有關。新認的網友柏魚娘帶了兩個小朋友來訪，我們一起聊天散步，渡過了個愉快的下午。晚餐開了大鳥先前推薦過的紅酒，用了avant割給我的水蕹菜（註）煮了排骨湯。散步、品酒、美食，是用來紀念雙餘館雙週年很適切的方式。

水蕹菜排骨湯

謝謝曾經在雙餘館和我互動的朋友們，因為你們，我略嫌蒼白的人生像花束一般有了更豐富的色彩。

（註）那天提了這菜回家，我媽看了說：這怎麼是水蕹菜呢？水蕹菜的葉子該是尖尖的。我自己對這菜的名字也有點疑惑，只知道廣東人叫它西洋菜。因此順手古狗了一下（請原諒我的考證癖），原來英文叫watercress的這菜，有個很在地的名字叫豆瓣菜，它的身世就請各位自行點進去了解。